I just want a baby

So, I am not pregnant, again. This makes it a year. I am so tired of counting days, crying every month, feeling like I am doing something wrong as a mother and that I don't "deserve" another baby, and getting depressed when I see pregnant women or babies. And trust me there are a lot of them. But my arms and my heart ache for another baby. The other night Isaac wasn't sleeping well because he was cutting his molars and I got up with him to give him Motrin and some milk and rocked him for a little bit, and I actually cried because I want to get up in the middle of the night with a baby again. We have started the process of going to the doctor to see if there is an explainable reason for it. Luke and Isaac both came very quickly, so this is unusual for us. But all the doctor's appointments are a long process, and I am not very patient right now.

But along with feeling all of that I am also feeling guilty for being upset and frustrated. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling so upset about it because I know there are many people facing greater trials that this, and many people who have been dealing with infertility for much longer, and don't have any kids at all. But I do know how lucky I am to be the mother of Luke and Isaac. I am so grateful for them. They are great at cheering me up. Luke notices when I am crying and will ask what is making me sad. So I told him it was because we are not going to have a baby coming to our family. Then he asked why no baby is coming, and I told him that no baby is growing in my tummy. So now sometimes he will tell me that he thinks there is a baby growing in my tummy. And Isaac cheers me up by just being my baby. He loves to "play baby." He will fake baby cry and come lay on my lap. So, even though this has been a very challenging year for me, the babies I have now do make me happy and I am so glad to have them!

Luke, then and now.

Isaac, then and now.
See, I have such cute babies, can you blame me for wanting another one!