More of my thoughts

The past 2 and a half years have been hard for me as probably all of those reading this know. Apart from losing my husband or children, I don't think there is anything else that would be harder for me to deal with. I have always wanted to be a mom and nothing else. Ask my mom and she will tell you that growing up, my favorite toys were baby dolls. Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed about the kids I would someday have, even had names picked out for them since I was like 8. So, this has been hard. And I wish that I could say that I have been this super strong woman and handled it all with grace, faith, and strength. And some days I honestly do manage to pull that off. Some days I do a pretty good job at faking it. But some days all I want to do is cry, I can't even look at a pregnant woman, (no offense to all my pregnant friends) and am so jealous that I could just scream.

But there have been some very valuable lessons that I have learned. I think I have learned to have more empathy for others, because I know how it feels to suffer though the bitterest of disappointments. I know that when people are going though a hard time, they don't need the perfect words, because there aren't any. All they want is know that someone is thinking about them and cares about them.

However I feel like I have developed less empathy for pregnant women. (Again sorry to all my pregnant friends.) It is partly because I am just so jealous, but it is also partly because I know that there is no pain or discomfort that comes from being pregnant that is greater than the pain of not being able to bear another child. And having been pregnant twice, I feel I can say that with some authority!

On a similar note though, another valuable lesson I have learned is that there is no frustration that my kids can cause me greater than the pain wanting another one and not knowing when they will be here. That doesn't mean I am perfectly patient with my kids though! Half the time I remember that right after I get frustrated with them. But there have been times when I stop myself and think, "At least they are here. I would much rather be doing this. I am so lucky to just have them." Maybe someday I can remember this all the time, but I appreciate the perspective it has given me as a mother. I am so grateful for my kids. For their prayers every night that Mommy can have another baby. For the big hugs they give me when they see me cry. For Isaac covering me with his blanket and giving me his baby when he sees me cry. For Luke telling me he knows a baby will come to our family.

I also know it has strengthened my marriage. Tyler has let me cry on his shoulder countless times, and seeing that the hardest thing for him though all of this has been to see how hard it has been on me helps me know how much he loves me.

It has helped my testimony also. There have been many times when I have felt the spirit calm me and make me stronger than I think I am. So hopefully I can continue to learn from this and have more of those days when I am that super strong, full of grace and faith kind of woman that I wish I was. But I am glad I know where to turn to become that way and to get help on days when I don't think I can do it.