I'm going to do it...really. And some thoughts

So, I know it was about a month ago that I said I was going to make this blog private...I really am going to do it, and SOON, because we REALLY are about finished with all the qualification stuff for our adoption. The only thing we are waiting for is Tyler's physical. It has been hard to schedule for him since he is busy taking 9 credits plus working. Only 3 more weeks of this crazy semester and one of those is Thanksgiving week! That one extra class has been killer for me! And I am not the one actually in school! But it means that he is gone at least 3 nights a week, sometimes 4 if he has a meeting for Church, plus doing homework on the weekends now. And next semester isn't going to be any better, at least at first. He is taking 9 credits again, but the good news is that for the first term he will have 3 classes, then second term he will only have ONE class! Then after that only a SEMESTER AND A HALF left of school! I cannot wait!

But, I digress. That isn't what I wanted to blog about. I have a lot of things I've been thinking about. Mostly about adoption and this whole roller coaster I've been on for the past two+ years. I think about it a lot. Most of the time I feel like I've gotten stronger because of it, and I know my faith has increased. But there are times, and it is always when I try to rely solely on my own vision, where I overreact to adverse situations.

For example this past weekend. First of all, I was already feeling emotional. I had just gone to the store and had seen these adorable little Christmas sleepers and it was one of those times where I just wanted a baby RIGHT NOW! Everyone I've talked to about adoption says that it doesn't make those emotions about infertility go away. And it doesn't. I still have times like that, and time when I feel like I'm inferior to all those that can get pregnant, even though I know we are going to have a baby through adoption and are very excited and grateful that our family can still grow through adoption. But anyway, back to my story. So on Saturday morning when our garage door broke, I overreacted. I starting imagining the worse, that we would need a whole new door and door opener, that it would be super expensive and would cut into our adoption savings etc... Well, we had it fixed, it was less than 200 bucks which was annoying but not going to cut into any savings like I had been imagining. Now I have a husband who honestly never worries and who has more faith than me or anyone I know. He never doubts for a minute that things will work out. I am so grateful for that, even though sometimes I get frustrated and wish that he would just worry about something or at least understand why I am worrying. But just more proof to me that we are a perfect match and balance each other out. I mean one of us has to worry, right?

Anyway, then later that night we went to a Families Supporting Adoption workshop and it was sooo good. There were families there that have already adopted as well as the social workers from LDS Families Services. In fact we were the only ones there that had not adopted yet. It was so good to talk to them. They had a mom there that has adopted 7 kids talk to us and she talked about how each baby she adopted came to their home in special and different ways and how she knew they were supposed to come to their family. I don't think anyone that hasn't gone though adoption, including myself since we haven't adopted a baby yet, can fully appreciate the miracle of it. I love how our social worker put it. He says that the birth mom and the adoptive parents are saviors to each other in the sense that they are both providing each other something that they can't provide themselves, in our case, a baby and in the birth mothers case, a family with a mom and dad and a temple sealing. They also had a birth mom talk to us, who had placed a baby for adoption, and that was probably the best thing of the night for me. She talked about how it took her a week to get the courage to call the adoption #. She would dial the number and then hang up. But she eventually did and she talked about how she knows she has made the right choice. She talked about how she had pressure from those around her to have an abortion and how she knew she couldn't do that. I honestly am in awe of her and of the other birth moms like her who place their babies for adoption. They have so much courage, unselfishness, and love. In all my reading I can across this statistic: in 1997 41% of pregnant unmarried had an abortion and 47% gave birth (the remaining 12% had a miscarriage) In 1995 among single women 15-44 who became pregnant 12% chose marriage, .4% adoption, 37% single parenting, 39% abortion and 11.6% had a miscarriage. I know this is from over 10 years ago and the numbers have probably changed, but still sobering to me that it is more socially acceptable to abort a baby than place one for adoption. Anyway, sorry I didn't mean to get off on a tangent about abortion, but for me and the many women out there who just want a baby more than anything in the world, it's hard to hear.

Anyway, this turned out to be much longer than I had planned, but what I was really meaning to say it that adoption gives me hope. It helps me to to be able to look at all the pregnant women with slightly less jealousy (I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous at all!), it helps me to look at those cute little baby sleepers and know that eventually I will get to buy those again. It was good to be able to talk to other who have adopted, because even though I've been so grateful for the support we've gotten from friends and family and everyone has been so wonderful, no one can really understand how we feel unless they have gone through it and knows how it feels to not be able to provide yourself with the one thing you want the most and to rely on the choices of others. I never thought we would be here, but we are and I am so, so, so grateful that we can adopt. I don't think I could handle the thought of our family being finished. I know it isn't. And I can not wait to have our baby, who I know will come to us in a miraculous and special way, placed in my arms.