General Conference

I love General Conference. I love feeling the spirit and knowing that we have a Prophet and Apostles on earth today. Tyler was working this weekend, so it was just me and the kids. Thanks to my candy trick that I talked about in April, my kids did a pretty good job listening to almost all four sessions. There were many wonderful messages given that I look forward to rereading. But one talk was very memorable for me. It was Elder Anderson's talk about motherhood. I am sure many of you remember it. I will be honest that as it became clear what his topic was, I could feel my heart sinking a little. I spent the first half of the talk trying not to feel like my self-worth has been diminished because I can't bear any more children and trying to protect my heart as he said things like,

"When a child is born to a husband and wife they are fulfilling part of our Heavenly Father's plan to bring children to earth."

“It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children, to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God.”

“To a righteous father, there are no words sufficient to express the gratitude and love he feels for his wife’s incalculable gift of bearing and caring for their children”

I was thinking of the many other people who I have met who have never been able to bear children, and thinking that their pain must be so much greater than mine. I am not able to bear all the children I wanted to, but I was able to bear some. And even though I was trying to remember that, it still hurt remembering the dreams that I had that have changed. I kept hoping and praying though the whole talk that Elder Anderson would remember me. Remember the many other woman to hurt because they can't have kids. I don't think anyone who hasn't been though it can fully understand the pain that infertility brings. And I can't fully understand the pain that others feel who have never born children. It must be much more than my pain, which is hard for me to imagine how they can bear it, because I know there were some days that I didn't think I could bear it anymore.

But Elder Anderson didn't forget us, and neither does the Lord.

Here is what Elder Anderson said that seemed to be just for me.

“The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who planned on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family.”

“We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded.”

He told an amazing story of a family that adopted children. He promised that if we are righteous, no blessing will be withheld from us. Infertility is hard. Really hard. I am so incredibly grateful for the gospel, the knowledge that I have a Savior who loves me and hears me, who will never leave me alone. That is how I bear it. I can say now that I wouldn't change how things have happened in our family. I wouldn't change having Andrew for anything. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. But hurt can make you stronger if you let it. Hopefully that I what I am letting it do to me.