Let the floodgates open...

Well, I am just going to let it all out, all of my frustration, anger, guilt, sorrow, disappointment, jealousy, heartache, and the millions of other emotions that I have been feeling over the past two years. About two weeks ago, I had my 4th IUI, and found out yesterday that it didn't work. I was a complete wreck yesterday, as the people in my ward can attest to and was very annoyed with myself that I couldn't pull it together. But after nearly two years the disappointment each month is so strong that I couldn't keep it in. I feel like my life is running in two weeks cycles right now, waiting two weeks to try, then waiting two weeks to find out. It is a constant roller coaster, and I hate roller coasters! I would rather be pregnant for a solid two years than to feel like this! I am tired of crying for at least a week every month and then crying out of nowhere other times. I just never thought that after having two kids, I would have problems having another one. And I had very specific ideas of how I wanted our family to be; 4-5 kids every 2 years so they would be close and know each other and I wanted to be done having kids by 30 or 31. Well, I am approaching 29 and only half way to my goal. And this inability to get pregnant as made me feel like I am broken. I get so frustrated that my body just won't do what I know it can do. And I don't know what else to do. I feel like all things are combining to make it harder to have a baby. Everyone knows how expensive infertility treatments are, and so far we have done the least expensive one, but it adds up. And Tyler's new job is better in almost every way, except that the new insurance doesn't cover infertility treatments and the old one did. And if he hadn't lost his job, our bank account would be that much healthier and it would make all this easier to reach. If it had to come to getting infertility treatments, why couldn't it have happened on the better insurance?!? What else am I supposed to learn from this?!? I wish I could figure it out.

I am so tired of getting jealous whenever I see a new baby, or a pregnant woman, or big families (which to me is any family with more than 2 kids). You try going anywhere without seeing one of those things. It is impossible! Babies and pregnant women are everywhere! And they become even more noticeable when that is the one thing you want the most. And sometimes it hits you out of nowhere. You think you are doing fine, and then you walk past the baby section in a store, or see a commercial about babies, or get an ad in the mail about a baby sale, or get one of those cute, tiny newborn diapers in the mail, and it just sets you off. And when I think that I may never again feel a baby move inside me, and see the little elbows and knees pushing my tummy, or nurse again, it's almost more than I can handle.

And it makes you (well, I can't speak for everyone going through this, but it does this to me) have irrational thoughts. Like the reason that I am not having another baby is because I am not a good enough Mom to the two that I have, like I am being punished or something. Now, I know this is not how Heavenly Father works, but I feel like that sometimes. And I get really angry when I see that Britney Spears, or whatever celebrity is having a baby, because, I am not a prefect Mom, but surely I am a better one than Britney Spears! So, why does she get one and I don't! All irrational I know, but lots of emotions plus extra hormones make you irrational I guess.

I also feel guilty sometimes, because I have already had two kids are they are many who haven't had any. I know I am lucky to have these two sweet boys, but I feel a hole in our family where more children should be. A few months ago I went on-line looking for some secondary infertility forums or something so I could maybe "chat" with people who have gone through what I am going through, hoping that would help me. But it did the opposite of helping. There were many women who have been going through it and where having the some emotions that I am going through, but there was also a lot of people commenting on the post saying things like, "You are the most selfish person ever. I can believe you want more children. You obviously don't appreciate the ones you have now. " Luckily, I haven't met that attitude in my circle of friends since we are all Mormon. :) Or there was the even more extreme comments, "This world is already overcrowded. How can you think of bringing more children onto this planet. That is totally irresponsible of you." I don't pay to much attention to the last sort of comment, but the first adds to my guilt. Except I don't think that means that I don't appreciate my kids less. In fact in some way I think I appreciate them more because of going thought this. Luke said the cutest thing to me yesterday when I was crying, he asked why, so I told him, and he said, "Just be patient Mama." Such good advice from a 5 year old. Not easy to do though.

This has also been a huge trial of my faith too. I have been praying, almost constantly for two years, that we would have another baby. It makes me feel like my prayers aren't being answered. I mean, I know that Heavenly Father has commanded us to have children, I know that it is possible for me to get pregnant, and I know that we are supposed to have more children. So, if all things that I am praying for are good, why isn't it happening? And I know the whole thing about the Lord's timing being better than ours, and how we don't always understand His timing, and how all things will work together for our good and all that. I have been telling those things to myself for 2 years now. But sometimes, especially right after I find out I am not pregnant, I can't remember that, or see it, and it doesn't feel like things will work out for our good at all. I know it sounds like I have no faith at all right now. But I do. I cling to that little particle of faith like it is my only hope. There is a scripture that has sort of become my mantra lately. It is in Mark chapter 9 where a father is bringing his son to Jesus to be healed and Jesus says, "...all things are possible to him that believeth." And then the father says, "Lord I believe. Help thou mine unbelief." That scripture seems to perfectly describe how I feel.

Well, I am done now. I'll close the floodgates. I am not going to edit anything, so if it doesn't make sense, I'll just call it the ramblings of a very emotional woman! But I actually do feel the tiniest bit better. Maybe now I can get on with my day.